Last night Guido and I were in bed. Three of us were under the sheets – me, Guido and a soggy four cheese pizza. Not that I was complaining.
“It was early morning in London,” I said, “and an unidentified woman had fallen asleep on an Underground train when suddenly, Bam! I’m not making this up. The traveller I’m telling you about actually dozed off on the Victoria line last Saturday whilst holding a pizza.”
Our conversations in bed are nothing if not highly relevant.
“And the pizza, which she appeared to have only eaten two slices of, had just slid from the box onto the floor.”
“Man, that’s so tragic, but tell me,” asked Guido somewhat irrelevantly, “was it a thin crust or deep-pan base?”
Unfortunately for the woman, the BBC reporter James Longman took a photograph of her and then posted it on Twitter. It was 8am at the time so either the woman was on her way home from a night out or she habitually eats pizza for breakfast. I’m not in any way being judgemental. The picture went viral.
“There’s something very voyeuristic about that photo,” I said.
I tried to visualise myself in her shoes, slumped unconscious in public, totally oblivious to all my surroundings. Actually, it wasn’t too difficult for me to imagine. But if anyone was going to Twitter me up on the Underground I’d want to know about it beforehand.
“Talking of voyeurism,” I said nibbling a corner, “I’ve discovered an Instagram site you’re going to love, it’s called Hot Dudes Reading.”
You won’t be surprised to discover the site delivers exactly what it promises on the tin. It features photographs of random but hot dudes, in public places, who just happen to be reading. That’s the sum total of the action. I’ve become quite obsessed with browsing through it and so have the other 900,000 followers who routinely view it. Whether these dudes know they’re being photographed or not is open to debate but the site has spawned a best selling book, also called Hot Dudes Reading. And now some of the pictures on the site feature hot dudes reading the book, Hot Dudes Reading, so go figure.
The words, hot, and, dude, are always guaranteed to prick Guido’s interest.
“How would you feel if a photograph of you were to go viral?” asked Guido.
I sat sucking some melted cheese.
“That completely depends on what the photograph captured me doing at the time,” I said wisely. “why, you got some ideas?”
Guido is always full of surprises.
“Well,” said Guido, “how about publishing some on the internet of you in bed in a variety of interesting poses wearing absolutely nothing except a slice of strategically placed pizza. I’m thinking – Hot Dude Naked With A Pizza In Bed.”
Going viral wasn’t my first thought. My immediate concerns were (and in no particular order) my stomach, dough consistency, and what would my mother say.
“Yeah,” said Guido nodding, “Cruella could be a major sticking point, especially if I had to explain to her that over a period of time I’d gotten you fat solely for the twisted gratification of persons unknown.”
Anyway, here’s the picture and I don’t mean me spread-eagle on our mattress smeared in a spicy topping.
Personally I’d much rather be a hot dude reading.