Fake Nachos

Apparently these days it’s hard for people to figure out anymore between what’s real and what’s just journalistic fantasy.

Neil Armstrong Convinced Moon Landing Was A Fake,” I said as quick as a flash to Guido in bed late last night. I was acting like the finger on the pulse on-line news junkie I’d clearly turned into.

I looked out at the twinkling stars through our loft window. Maybe that giant leap into lunar dust wasn’t as big as everyone thought it was at the time.

“Well if anyone should know then Neil would,” said Guido.

I scrolled down to the next factual news item on my iPad. Whatever was breaking I was going to be all over it.

Woman Grows Third Breast,” I said as a matter of urgency. Female readers please take note.

I wondered how that might be possible but then I saw the very convincing photographic evidence. It was undisputable. Wearing a standard bra was certainly going to be challenging for her.

“I think some sad and lonely guys surfing the net might get pretty excited by that,” said Guido barely looking up from the Tex-Mex cookery book he had propped on his hairy knees.

I kept scrolling.

Kim Jong-un Voted Sexiest Man Alive,” I said. I re-read that headline a couple of times just to make sure I’d read it right the first time.

I looked at Kim’s picture. Hmm. You’ve really got to be into leaders who want to rule the world. Personally, I think you’ll have to count me out.

I could tell by the way Guido was fiercely flicking the pages of his cookbook that something far more important was running through his brain than the sexual magnetism of a despot.

“Utterly fake,” he muttered as he stared at a recipe, “you call this cooking?” Never before had I heard so much concentrated tutting in the space of only a minute. “I mean, just look at this,” he said holding the book a thumb print from my face, “Nachos in 5 Minutes, have you ever heard anything so completely ridiculous?”

“Utterly unbelievable,” I said. I even tutted in a display of total solidarity but frankly I was still struggling with the concept of living my life with three breasts. However, despite the fact that it was gone midnight the thought of melted cheese over potato chips in only five minutes was definitely appealing. I didn’t care if it was fake or not. Hey, count me in.

“There’s no chopped tomato, herbs, spices, Scottish Cheddar, or even a fresh mashed avocado.” There was another loud tut. “Anybody who makes food like that must be mad or desperate, or both.”

For some strange reason I found myself thinking about the sex god now known as Kim Jong-un again. I blinked. Throw in some nachos and I still wouldn’t consider it.

By the way. Here’s the recipe. Fake or not.

Nachos In 5 Minutes (Unbelievable But Completely True)

Open one jar of shop bought salsa sauce and one jar of shop bought guacamole. Tip the contents of a large packet of Nachos into a heat resistant bowl and sprinkle with grated cheese, some pickled jalapeño peppers (from a jar), and a teaspoon of dried chilli flakes (from a jar). Melt the cheese under grill for about 4 minutes.

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