Where’s the beef?

“Are you ever tempted to do it?” asked my friend Marc yesterday morning.

“Huh?” I said. “Do what?”

I was concentrating on scraping the foam from the top of my cappuccino. It was sticky with chocolate sprinklings. It was totally lush. In fact I’m licking my lips as I type those words even now.

“You know, things you know you shouldn’t think about, but things you think you might be tempted to do?” said Marc, winking his left eye cryptically. I hate cryptic winks, I never get the nuanced meaning.

I looked around the cafe and sucked my spoon pensively. I could see the glass chiller and in it was a fresh slab of Black Forest gateaux oozing cream. It was right next to a huge baked New York cheesecake which had collapsed perfectly in the middle.

“Sure,” I said, “I think about temptation like that all the time.”

Mostly cake. Pancakes for breakfast. A hot cheese croissant for lunch. Shortbread for tea. A Chateaubriand dinner anyone? The list is pretty endless actually.

“Yeah,” said Marc, “I thought so. Even people in annoyingly perfect monogamous relationships like you have to succumb to temptation once in a blue moon.” He winked with his left eye again.

I stopped sucking my spoon. The penny dropped. I suddenly realised we weren’t talking about a sugar rush. But possibly a rush of pleasure which was a completely different ball game altogether.

“Are we talking about what I’m thinking about or what I think you might be thinking about?” I said this without even one wink of either eye. “When you say, tempted, what exactly do you mean by, tempted?” I asked.

There was a short pause. Marc sat back and let out a long sigh.

“Hot sex, with hot men, who are not your partner.”

Marc is nothing if not direct. Don’t worry, I’m not his type.

There was another short pause.

“I see,” I said. “In that case, no. I’m a one man woman.”

Of course I do occasionally flirt outrageously with George Clooney and Alexander Skarsgard. Hell, Nick Jonas and I even had a thing. But let’s face it, nothing was ever going to get serious. I mean, for starters, I’m obviously too good for George.

“But, why do you ask?” I asked despite probably already knowing the answer.

Marc dated an Italian called Secondo who cheated on him. Then he dated a Portuguese guy called Santiago who also cheated on him. Now he’s dating Tong – who’s from Hong Kong (there’s a limerick in there somewhere) so I was assuming Marc was trying to make a pre-emptive strike by sleeping around first. I guess there was method in his madness.

“I’m happy with Tong but I’ve met this really terrific barber from Turkey. What he can do with a pair of clippers makes the mind boggle.”

And I must say Marc’s hair did look great, though it brought a whole new meaning to his “messy top with an undercut fade.”

Later in bed I asked Guido if he’d like to confess to any illicit or sordid thoughts of temptation which he’d had during his day. He’s not usually shy in bed so I braced myself.

“Well only one,” he said, “and unfortunately it involved a piece of beef,” said Guido from the darkness.

Need I say more?

31 thoughts on “Where’s the beef?

  1. Well, I’m wondering if my thing with Alexander Skarsgard was before or after, or perhaps during, yours!

    Nah. I, too, am a one man woman, and man he keeps me on my toes… amongst other things!

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  2. sixpence had a post on this subject yesterday. nope, one man woman here. and just WHAT does that beef have to offer guido? SMOOCHES to you both!

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  3. You had me distracted by ” fresh slab of Black Forest gateaux oozing cream”…and what things I and the Lad could do with said dessert.

    And as your well aware, I love me some Latin and South American men. GOREGOUS. But every one I dated, cheated. Oh, l’amour, l’amour, how it can let you down. Hmm. How it can pick you up again, and into the arms of the next Argentina..

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  4. Your friend Marc has quite a way with words. “Annoyingly perfect monogamous relationships” indeed. I am wondering whether you might be an MI6 plot to make the rest of us feel inadequate. Black forest cake? Hot cheese croissants? How are we supposed to live up to that?

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  5. I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend but 75% of them have cheated on me. I think people are either hardwired to cheat or they’re not. Guess I’m not.

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  6. As one who’s on the “smell carbs and die” diet, believe me when I tell you, this sounds so much better than sex! Sex is pretty darn good in my household, but I can get that anytime I want. Sweets and bread, and anything wickedly tasty are a no go, and this is tempting me to cheat! Even the pensive spoon sucking has gotten me revved up!

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  7. This post has made me hungry. Now I’m in search of a cappuccino with chocolate sprinkles, but since I’m in Argentina right now, I may focus on their ice cream shops which seem to be far more plentiful than cafes strangely enough.

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