Vote, Jean-Paul!

It’s times like this, where there are no obvious political leaders across the political divide, that desperate times call for desperate measures.  It’s why I’m now stepping up and offering my services to take over the running of my country.

I realise this will probably involve getting up out of bed before 8 am on weekdays, and limiting myself to one and a half bottles of wine a night, but if Churchill could do it then so can I. For the sake of a prosperous future I’m prepared to make any reasonable sacrifice – as long as there’s a big official car and unlimited access to business class air travel. Hey, I’m not a complete idiot.

So here follows my 10 point, though in no particular order of importance or implementation, election pledge:

1. Free maple syrup for all citizens. This will develop strong economic links with the people of Canada. This is a good thing as I’ve never met a Canadian I haven’t liked.

2. Men with beards will proceed straight to the head of any bus queue. This is in recognition of their selfless devotion to facial grooming.

3. Mastering the art of paella making will become a compulsory subject on the school curriculum. This will mean our country’s youth will be equipped with one of life’s vital skills.

4. Alexander Skarsgard will be recruited to read the evening news. I haven’t decided yet what, if any, clothing he will wear. But he’ll obviously have to be flexible.

5. From the date of my election, skinny jeans will be banned in public places. They can, however, be worn in the privacy of citizens’ homes for their own twisted personal pleasure.

6. My mother, Cruella, will be exiled to someplace inhospitable (possibly northern Norway) with only intermittent access to forms of telecommunication. My father will be free to visit her at any time to perform conjugal acts, but obviously will be forbidden from discussing this with me.

7. L’Oréal will appoint me as their goodwill ambassador. Looking my best will be critical. Especially if voters expect me to get out of bed before 8 am.

8. Vacuuming will be declared a new Olympic sport. Citizens must aspire to good suction and neat rugs.

9. I will let them eat cake. Especially anything with a coconut frosting.

10. My husband will become deputy prime minister and will carry my briefcase with the nuclear codes in it. Listen, if I carried it myself it would invariably be left at the front of a bus queue whilst I mingle with bearded voters.

“I’m not sure the general public will see immediate merits in sending your mother to the Arctic Circle,” said Guido slurping up a plate of spaghetti last night, “and neither would your mother.”

I tutted.

“It’s also weird that three out of ten of your pledges involves food. I mean, what about your stance on the European Common Fisheries Policy and any negotiations on a Bilateral Trade Balance?”

I tutted again.

“A mere trifling footnote in history,” I said.

Obviously until Guido’s attitude towards my premiership bucks up I’ll be scrubbing pledge number 10 (see above) and to hell with the nuclear consequences.

“Listen up kiddo. You can please some of the people all of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time,” I said.

I stirred my pasta.

Abraham would have been proud.

41 thoughts on “Vote, Jean-Paul!

  1. I was with you until #8. You lost me with the vacuuming. You got me back with #9. Coconut frosting, YUM! Now, if you implement #8, I won’t care if you blow up the world! Vacuuming sucks!
    I needed a good laugh this morning, and once again you came thru. Thanks.


    • Correctamundo. It would obviously have to go into mass production and would employ an army of people. The benefits would be twofold. Mass employment = wealth. And, copious amounts of spreading on sandwiches would promote exercise = health. As you can see I’ve been thinking this thru.


  2. It is not fair that your satirical platform is far more sensible than the official ones from your party. You did an especially effective job of confounding your political enemies the hipsters, with their skinny jeans and ironic facial hair.

    The vegans won’t be happy with #3, though. Fortunately they are all iron-deficient, and should be easy to overcome.


  3. Can I hire out my vacuuming duties? Especially if vacuuming is such a highly regarded activity, I’d happily hire someone else to do it for me. I’ll be creating jobs!

    About the beard thing; are there grooming standards? I watch a YouTuber who I otherwise enjoy but his beard distracts me. It’s a relatively sparse beard in most places, which I don’t mind, but his chin is the problem. There’s a nice fullness to it for a few inches, but below that it’s a scraggly mess. He’s got maybe four inches (um, 10cm?) of long strands, perhaps one hair for every 50 of the shorter ones, dangling down his chest. Oh, and he’s a ginger. I’d happily let him jump the queue at the bus stop if he trimmed his beard. As it is now, though, it’s … disturbing.


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