I won’t have what he’s having

I think it was Shirley Conrad who once said “life’s too short to stuff a mushroom” but if someone bakes one then I’m happy to eat it. Especially if it’s got crushed garlic, chopped parsley, smoked ham and a topping of crispy breadcrumbs.

“Hey, snap out of it,” said my friend Marc clicking his fingers impatiently. I met him for lunch yesterday at The Spanish Onion. There were no mushrooms on the Specials Board and I was getting the distinct impression that, whilst life may not be too short, he was definitely measuring it.

For some strange reason he was wearing sunglasses (indoors) despite the fact it was dull outside. Worryingly, since we last hooked up, he’s also become a devotee of Wellness. Something of a craze round these parts. I don’t know about you but as far as I’m concerned, wellbeing, isn’t about an extreme lifestyle choice. It’s about not getting sick.

“I’m having on average 7 hours and 36 minutes sleep – I’m timing it,” he said. “When I wake up I immediately turn on the infrared light at the end of my bed and meditate. It helps focus my mind for the day ahead. I shower using only organic products. You do know shampoos and gels are totally toxic? Then I weigh myself and use a litmus strip to test my urine pH levels.”

Goodness, I thought, no time for Cheerios then?

“I take shots of activated charcoal or an isotonic supplement. The latter comes from plankton. That way I stay hydrated. Oh, and by the way I’ve converted to vegetarianism. It’s been scientifically proven that when an animal is killed the cortisol they release into their bodies ends up flowing into yours. However, I’m finding eggs a colonic challenge.” I guessed an omelette for lunch was out.

Apart from the words – it helps keep me hydrated – I didn’t have a clue what Marc was talking about. But I couldn’t help wonder when was the last time he had decent sex. No wonder he was still single.

“So, Greta Garbo, what’s with the sunglasses in January?” I asked.

”They’re a blue light block – it cuts out negative junk,” he said. “Did we high five? I like to share magnetic energy.” He raised a flat palm so naturally I slapped it. Afterwards I could feel a slight tingling but no magnetism. I suppose I should’ve been grateful he wasn’t asking me to take a piss on a colour chart.

This kind of wellness sounded torture to me. I’m all for feeling fit and happy but why does the journey there have to be so monastic? What next, laying on a bed of nails? By all means I’ll cut my cholesterol and even shed a few pounds in the process. Hell, I’ll try not to drink so much alcohol too (ok let’s not get carried away folks), but where’s the joy? The peanut butter? The custard? The immoral thoughts of bearded men with no clothes on?

Later when Guido and I were in bed I asked him if he thought life was too short to appreciate a good mushroom.

”Not if it’s got crushed garlic, chopped parsley, smoked ham and a topping of crispy breadcrumbs.”

Which just goes to show my husband and I know what we like stuffed. And I feel perfectly fine telling you that.

52 thoughts on “I won’t have what he’s having

    • A little bit of everything does you good. Or so we are told. The problem is I have quite a lot of the bad! However I refuse to make any New Year resolutions. Feel free to share any of your gorgeous baking recipes!
      JP x

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  1. ” litmus strip to test my urine pH levels.” Dear….I think marc, girl, needs to get out and start living. That all sounds horrid. You tell him your brother from another mother told him “LIVE LIVE! Life’s a banquet, and some sorry sucker are starving to death.”

    *no where did I put my gin…..*

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  2. In my nonprofessional opinion, if he isn’t getting up to take a 3:00a.m. pee , then he isn’t hydrating! Whatever happened to drinking water? Overly healthy people seem to be the most unhappy or they turn into carrots. I’ve seen it happen! Now, where did In put that almond roca?

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  3. This post reminds me of the first time I heard about the Atkins diet (low carb diet). I remember thinking, I’d rather try to get my ass to the gym than ever consider giving up bread. I may not have the abdominal definition I would like, but I’ll take that trade off to enjoy a baguette with butter and garlic with my pasta any day of the week.

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  4. Apparently the key to wellness is to tell other people ALL about it – was he wearing a “I’M VEGAN” t-shirt? Saw a woman with one on a few months ago – I was so tempted to go up to her, take her hand, pat it paternally, and with true sincerity say “I’m so sorry.”

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  5. Some people thrive on being regimented about everything, while the rest of us would feel tortured. To each his own but he would be taking his life into his own hands if he touched my chocolate.

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  6. Is Marc the one who was dumped by his Italian boyfriend? This wellness kick might be his way of grieving, which is certainly healthier than how I grieve (namely: baked goods, which really ought to be named baked bads).

    I think some people enjoy the challenge of living strictly within constraints. I know that I am more effective at my goals if I can count progress in some way. Here is hoping Marc has a happy and fulfilling life.

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    • Yes he is. And yes that may be the case. He tends to live his life at 100mph. I suppose if he stops he doesn’t like what he sees, which is a shame.
      Baked goods (or bad) certainly fill a void – even if in the short term – and that isn’t always a bad thing.
      JP

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  7. Too right! Life’s all about fun and enjoyment, isn’t it? Then again, if we don’t look after ourselves then I suppose we do shorten that time we have for fun and enjoyment. We shouldn’t torture ourselves for it, though…well not unless we like torture, but that’s a whole other mushroom in my hand scenario.

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  8. Wellness sounds like such a hassle. I have a much easier way to keep hydrated. Cut out the carbs. No messy strips or blue blockers needed.

    I look at someone like that and I’m like, “I’m too old to be my own nanny.” He needs to go out and enjoy life.

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