Here’s the rub.
The rules of attraction can be extremely complex. Who you want to get between the sheets with is completely up to you but personally I’m drawn to a six-pack and a man bun. However, I’ve heard a great big fat tummy does it for some guys too. Which, when Guido looks at me naked, is probably just as well.
“Did you know that in a recent survey, 84% of gay men felt under intense pressure to have a terrific body?” I asked Guido yesterday morning.
We were still in bed at the time. It was almost 11.30 a.m. The sun had been up for hours and hours but our blinds were still resolutely pulled shut and I’d just energetically eaten a large bowl of Cocoa Pops. The milk was cold and chocolatey. I have to tell you I was in a sort of nirvana state. It could possibly have been called post-coital, but in a breakfast cereal sort of way.
”Only 1% felt fully satisfied with the way he looked,” I said slurping the last morsels from the bowl.
I knew which percentage point I belonged to.
I lay there admiring Guido’s gorgeous flat stomach. It’s very different from mine which resembles a small Alp. Guido’s ripples in a tight muscular formation which I could only ever dream of replicating, unless I underwent extensive liposuction. But the problem with cosmetic surgery is you get one thing done and it shows up your next defect. Then before you know it you’re hooked and looking like The Bride Of Wildenstein.
”I suppose it depends on what you consider to be a terrific body,” he said -throwing my statistical analysis into total confusion as usual.
”But would you go to bed with me?” I asked boldly.
There was a moment of silence.
”What do you mean, would I go to bed with you? – I AM in bed with you,” said Guido.
”Yes, but if we’d never met before and I was a totally random stranger with a protruding belly laying here naked on this here bed, would you want to get in it?”
I suddenly realised I had a milk moustache. Add that to the bed head hair and buttonless pyjama top I was wearing, boy, I must have looked hot. Guido was lucky to have me; what a catch.
”It’s not all about looks,” he said.
I chewed my nail. I wondered what Nick Jonas would say.
”What else is it about?”
”Personality you big dummy,” he said.
”Yeah, yeah,” I nodded, “of course – a personality. Fortunately mine is as disproportionately large as my waistline is.”
Guido put his arm around me.
”I like you just the way you are,” he said reassuringly. “Let me explain it this way, I can’t possibly imagine licking guacamole from between the toes of just any other guy.”
He had a point and it wasn’t only mashed avocado we had history with down there.
”Dont worry about statistics. There’s only one thing you need to know,” he said.
“That I have terrific taste in men,” he said smiling.
It goes without saying, I naturally agreed.