Headless and heartless

“D’you think I’m an oddball?” I asked Guido over dinner last night.

“Yeah,” he said without a moment’s hesitation or pause for intake of breath.

I realise this could be worrying. See below.

“Okay, forget the recent incident in bed when I got naked with that tub of ricotta cheese,” I said. “It happened to be the closest thing to hand at the time and I don’t remember you complaining.”

Sometimes in life you’ve just got to improvise.

“I hear what you’re saying but what I’m really asking you is – and please don’t in any way feel obliged to rush to a conclusion before you answer my next question – think it through fully before you answer it, but – am I weird?”

“Yeah,” he said.

Guido stopped chewing. He put his fork down. He stroked the back of my hand.

“Hey, what’s worrying you?”

We we’re eating dinner in a restaurant called il Giardino. It’s right on the square in Pollensa old town on the island of Majorca. It’s a lovely place, but I wasn’t really hungry and I’m pretty sure Guido wasn’t either.

Neither of us expected to be here right now because I have a stucco house in Notting Hill to refit before the end of the year and, as you know, Guido’s busy having a nervous breakdown simultaneously working two cafes.

This means that a thousand miles away in London:

1. an over enthusiastic, sweaty, highly tattooed, (did I mention sweaty?), demolition man is swinging his big hammer unsupervised in a listed building

2. overnight Guido’s parents have reverted The Spanish Onion lunch menu to circa 1974, and;

3. Banjo, an agency chef on a gap year from Melbourne, has been let loose at The Fish Kettle with an overt interest in avocados

I have to tell you it’s the perfect storm.

”Because your cousin Sofia told me with great pleasure that your cousin Mariana said I was a complete nut job.”

For the purposes of this blog I will now only refer to Guido’s cousins as The Ugly Sisters. I didn’t have the heart to tell Guido his cousin Mariana went on to tell me his cousin Sophia had called Guido a heartless opportunist. I have to say in the scheme of things I’d much rather be heartless than headless.

”Ignore them,” said Guido. He lifted up his fork again. Maybe he was hungry after all.

There is a reason I’m telling you this.

I put a blog post on here in September 2016 about Guido’s much loved Uncle Gustave. He owned a farmhouse and some land here. He was very old. He died in his sleep two weeks ago. Apparently he was found dead tucked up in bed clutching an empty bottle of VSOP brandy, a photograph of Ava Gardner on his pillow, and a big smile on his face. I can think of worse ways to go. We flew out for the funeral, much to the consternation of The Ugly Sisters, as the family gossip rumour mill is that Uncle Gustave’s left his entire estate to Guido.

It’s certainly amusing what the prospect of money does to some people’s head space.

The funeral is tomorrow. We will bid Uncle Gustave a very fond farewell. I’ll be the one wearing black acting like a total nut job. Guido will be as gracious and respectful as ever.


51 thoughts on “Headless and heartless

  1. So sorry to read of Uncle Gustave’s demise. Don’t worry about being weird, we weirdos can stick together and those not in our club will be the oddballs because they’re not weird enough to join 😊💜


  2. This is a rather sweet post, Guido is such a nice person and you are lucky to have him, I like it but I am at a lost with the ricotta in bed. I do have a rule no food in bed or in the car. You are operating 2 Cafés?!? OMG you are developing a corporations soon you will be all over London like Pret a Manger, higher end of course. Please pay no attention to people who slander others with catty comments. Do like the Queen pretend you heard nothing.


  3. *sigh* I have also asked this question of my significant other and like yours, he confirmed with very little hesitation (even without a ricotta cheese incident as proof) I have since gifted him with a thesaurus so that he can say things like, “No sweetheart, you’re not weird, you’re eccentric… or magical or singular, or supernatural…which is natural but more super….which all sound more flattering than weird.


  4. Very sorry to hear about Uncle Gustave.

    Maybe it’s just the people I’ve grown up around, but I’m pretty sure we’re all nut jobs to some degree. It’s what makes you JP!


  5. So sorry to hear about the passing of Uncle Gustave. From experience I can tell you that funerals tend to bring out the “ugly” in people, especially if there is an inheritance, either real or imagined. At my father’s funeral I was told I was going to hell by a the “crazy aunt”. Seeing as she used to say the same to my father, I thanked her and told her I’d be in good company.

    We’re all a little weird and that’s okay. Guido loves you JP and so do we. Hugs to you both!!!


  6. First off…..why is ricotta cheese the first thing at hand on the nightstand?????????. I do remember the post on Guido’s uncle…..so sorry to hear of the passing of him, but I can totally appreciate how and what you found him with. Exit with style I say. I picture my passing very similar

    My regards to you both.


  7. Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss. Who wants to be normal? Everyone I know is a little off kilter, including me.


  8. Sorry to hear about Uncle Gustave’s passing. There’s nothing wrong with weird. Weird is what makes the world go round. No reason to go through life as a normal person. Normal is boring.

    And… what about the ricotta by the bed?


  9. Don’t listen to the ugly pair, you’re perfectly lovable. Had immense fun imagining the storm brewing with all thise people let loose. I hope nothing that you don’t want to see happen ever happens


  10. I do love surprises like that. For instance I cut off all contact with my father several years ago. I cursed him by saying I hope he dies old and alone. He choked on a meal and died that way in April of 2015. Last Christmas my aunt, my dad’s sister tells me there’s a bank account he had with a significant sum in it. I go through the process of getting death certificates, contract and attorney, and lo and behold I now have a tidy sum in the bank.


  11. Everybody’s weird, “everybody” so relax. I would rather be weird (and I am) than hateful. Which the sisters sound like, I cut people like that out of my life.

    Like it’s probably really weird that I found Guido’s quick answer “yes” to your questions cute in a romantic way. You’re weird and you’re his.


  12. Nothing wrong with being weird. All the nicest people are. My mind boggles at the Ricotta cheese… and please don’t explain… my imaginations is running riiot. 🙂


  13. ‘Weird’ is a word boring people use to describe interesting people they are either incapable of, or too lazy to, understand.

    Stay ‘weird.’ You’re delightfully interesting.


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