Eat it

Today I was sitting in the café quietly minding my own business. I was idly stirring a frothy cappuccino whilst torturing myself with thoughts about my diet.

It’s one thing thinking about dieting but trust me it’s a whole other ball game actually doing it. Unfortunately, as well as stiring my coffee, I was also slicing a thick slab of milk chocolate layer cake. I stuck my finger into it. Then I pulled it out again and gave it a very long and satisfying lick. It tasted dreamy. I tried to imagine a life without cake. The only way I could possibly entertain it was if I became a monk.

Stop laughing. I wasn’t sure if eating layer cake was on the approved list of monk activities. I’m guessing there are some dos and a considerable amount of don’ts. Whilst warming to the idea of a spell in a monastery,  I’d need to balance all that abstinence with a good bottle of Rioja and a 12 inch Pappa John pepperoni pizza every couple of nights.

My thoughts got interrupted.

Two Japanese tourists sat down at the table opposite me and excitedly ordered Guido’s Full English Breakfast. This was despite the fact it was half past two in the afternoon. By their reaction to it I’m not sure they’d seen anything like it before in Yokohama. Guido’s breakfast includes hot buttered toast, bacon and egg, hash browns and a couple of spoonfuls of baked beans. I can highly recommend it no matter what time of the day it is. Just add ketchup. When it got delivered they didn’t pick up their forks and knives, instead they spent the next ten minutes carefully examining a fried pork sausage.

My mother always used to tell me, you are what you eat. That’s what she used to say to me as a naive and flabby kid, “You are what you eat darling, so just accept it,” which was pretty damning at the time because all she ever fed me was her fatty ham pie. No wonder I have a complex about pastry. Make of that what you will. This of course was rich coming from the woman who only ever seemed to consume gin and the occasional ice-cube. And you can make of that what you will too.

Sometimes I think controlling my weight would be a whole lot easier if Guido wasn’t a chef and didn’t lovingly cook all day long for a living. It would be really helpful if whatever he did was as far removed as possible from a pan of melting chocolate.  He’s not the brightest screw in the tool box but a quantum physicist might be good. I’m guessing if Guido was a quantum physicist he wouldn’t come to bed with warped ideas for sex with Nutella spread, which just goes to show you really can’t have your cake and eat it. Instead he’d probably bore me rigid between the sheets with tales of the cosmos and distant galaxies, but at least I’d be thirty pounds lighter and feel a whole lot better about getting sucked into a black hole.

I looked at the Japanese couple. They’d harpooned the sausage and were now waving it about as an Instagram photo opportunity.

I stuck my finger back into the rich cake icing. Sometimes food just has to be eaten.


58 thoughts on “Eat it

  1. I’m pretty sure if I spent time in a convent, and was able to receive a message from God, it would be something along the lines of, if God gave us cake, he meant us to eat it! I mean, the bible is filled with stories about two fish, turning into 100 fish, and a few loaves of bread turning into enough bread to feed a village….I actually think God might want us to eat lots of cake….but then again, I’m a cractpot 😉 What do I know?


    • Message from me – I think I agree. Cake requires devine intervention. I like your fishes analogy – I like anything to do with fish and think the new place (if it actually comes off should be called The Fish Kettle Cafe.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. If you are under 150 kilos, life is to short to worry about the cake. If you are over 150 kilos, life will be even shorter, so why worry about the cake, eat it. Enjoy it. Balance it with a healthy romp (in or out of bed) and enjoy life. My hubby was a monk for a few years, the stories I have heard!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. As someone who has lost 30lbs/14kgs due to simply reducing portion size and walking – EAT THE BLOODY CAKE YOU FOOL!!!!!!

    I eat the cake. I love the cake. Indeed, I may imagine doing things to the cake that, if written here, would get you an 18+ advisory warning.

    Love the food. Worship the food. It’s all good. It’s all Guido. Enjoy.

    But most of all…………….EAT THE BLOODY CAKE!

    All my love



  4. I always look forward to your post, I think of Alister Cooke and his letters from America. Your posts are JP letter’s from the UK. I am sorry to tell you that having Cappuccino after 11am is highly inappropriate and simply not done, I am amazed you would do such. I also hate milk chocolate or chocolate anything, mocha is soooo much better and fashionable. I am also sorry to tell you that in England there are no monks since that bon vivant Henry VIII (the Trump of his age) dissolved all monasteries, so where would you get ideas like that. I also find it very strange that you married to a fabulous Chef who should have his own cooking show on ITV, would have a Pizza from a fast food chain. Guido should be properly offended and it is grounds for divorce, I can pass him the name of the good lawyer in London.
    Though I am delighted to read that your mother was in fact the late Queen Mum who is so famous for her gin drinking habits, nice of you to share that bit of info with us. I am myself on a diet right now, I suggest you drink big glasses of water whenever you feel hungry and go for long walks on the Embankment for the fresh air and lovely views.


    • Well as you know I like to buck the trend with all my habits. I think a Pappa John pizza should be de rigueur for all Monks. Well my mother shares the same spending money ethos as the Queen Mum so you may be onto something.
      I see you saved the best until last. You?? A diet? I hope Will is diligently shaking your Slimfast… Welocme to my world.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. If we were what we ate, I’d be quick, cheap, and easy.

    on a side note….my last ex was very fond of coating the , huh, lets say, erected tower in nutella, then licking it off. I must admit, if felt nice, and he got has dessert.


  6. You had to include milk chocolate layered cake in your post. A weakness of mine! No cake in the house, I’m not married to a chef, and I do not bake. Lord knows I will be dreaming of that milk chocolate layered cake or at least that chocolate covered finger in my sleep.


  7. Mmmm chocolate cake….yummy. The hubby and I are watching our sugar per doctors orders. I would so love a piece of cake 🎂 right now. I hadn’t eaten any in months and the minute he said to watch what we’re eating the cravings began. I’m sure Guido will find a healthy recipe that still tastes delicious for you. Until then enjoy working off those calories.


  8. I am married to a chef as well JP so know how easy it is to give in to temptation! Mind you, it you were to become a monk cake is not the only thing you would have to give up!!! 🙂


  9. The mental picture of Japanese tourists waving their sausages about in the air in the
    Spanish Onion has me Laughing Out Loud. Hope to see you next week. Ted.


  10. I don’t know where to begin … 🙇🏼‍♀️ You can have healthy cake, you can make your own healthy cake and your own healthy chocolate spread and your own healthy pizza. Just because you’re married to a lovely chef doesn’t mean you automatically gve up the ability or opportunity to cook for yourself and for him. He might enjoy some time off and feel extremely grateful for your efforts and your attempts to look after your – and his – health, after all, if it means you are both fitter, healthier and around longer, think how many more hours you can spend together between the sheets of your own bed and not those of a hospital ward! 💜


    • I may be a lost cause. I put a post on here in July last year about one of my attempts. It’s called “The Worst Pies in London”. You might see where I’m coming from!
      But you’re right. Your sweet and natural tray bake looked to die for.
      I’ve also sent Lena your way.

      Liked by 1 person

      • No-one’s a lost cause 😊 My hb had the sweetest tooth I’ve ever come across and hated cooking unless it involved opening a tin and buying chips from the chip shop! Now, he wants me to get the camera out every time he makes (vegetarian) Shepherd’s Pie 😄

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Indeed, although there is some food I still refuse to put into my mouth.

    Don’t get lost in that black hole. I hear it’s sometimes very difficult to not to want to come out too quickly. And let’s hope the Easter Bunny delivers something else rather than chocolate at the bottom of your bed.


  12. As one who was ‘encouraged’ to leave a monastery in 1977, I think you’re better off with a finger in the cake. My hubby is grateful too – he likes my culinary skills which were, frankly, under appreciated at the Abbey.


  13. I read somewhere that some restaurants don’t just discourage ‘food selfies’, but actually forbid them — I can’t quite decide how they accomplish that. Photographing your dinner does seem more than just a tiny bit gauche, but I’m not sure it’s worth a ‘nyet’ or not.


  14. It’s funny I’ve been following Begin Japanology on YouTube and they did the segment on Japanese hotels. A good one is only $62 a night. I’ve always wanted to visit Japan and now I have reason for it.


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