If you’re fortunate enough, as I am, to enjoy eating sweet and salted popcorn in bed then you’ve probably had to accept one of the unpleasant side effects. Unavoidable food residue between the sheets. Let’s not get hysterical; we’ll call them bits. Any I discover I’ll happily throw into my mouth without a second thought. This is despite the fact that I already know they’ve potentially been stuck at some point, and some place, to my naked husband. But in my opinion it’s the sugar and the salt that’s more problematic. Bad for your blood pressure? Trust me, that’s nothing compared to the havoc a few grains can do in your pyjama bottoms.
“I think I’m going to have to issue an urgent Directive,” I explained to Guido. “My Directive will seek to ban all dangerous food substances from our bed,” I propped up my pillow for added emphasis. “Obviously not all food, just the ones guaranteed to cause serious trouble in the dead of night.”
“Like what?” said Guido. He looked worried. As well he might, as he was holding an opened jar of olive tapenade and a packet of crackers in his hand at the time.
“Well, I’m still working out the detail but off the top of my head I’m considering anything which involves crumbs or hot gravy,” I said.
I noticed there was a moment of noisy and defiant crunching from Guido’s side of the bed.
“You mean you’re probably ruling out, all bread types?” he said whilst liberally spreading a biscuit. “But, but…” he said stuttering.
He said the word but twice as in, incredulous, which I’m guessing was how he must have felt at the time.
“But… you, me, and a stuffed ciabatta, we go way back. We’ve got history together.”
“Okay, okay,” I said. Suddenly saying everything twice was catching. But just because you love a sandwich filling doesn’t mean to say you have to get into bed with it.
“But do you remember what happened right on this spot when we ate French brioche?” I asked.
I can always tell when Guido’s thinking. He stops chewing.
“Well if I cast my mind back,” he said, “I recall it wasn’t the brioche that was the problem, though I will concede that it was an overly runny gruyere on the toasted side that ended up staining our blanket.”
Guido was splitting hairs. I could tell there was the potential for my Directive to be challenged at a later date. It was going to have to be cast iron solid in its drafting. I made a mental note to reluctantly change the wording from hot gravy singular to include hot gravy slash melted cheese plural.
“Well you know what happens to unpopular Directives,” said Guido, “the people protest, they mobilise, they rise up.”
I was momentarily distracted by the thought of Guido rising.
“Then before you know it they’re eating a Hawaiian pizza wherever they damn please and to hell with the consequences.”
Guido was becoming positively Churchillian. Give him an inch and he’d soon be eating a full roast and giving me the V sign.
“You wouldn’t want your Directive to be seen as rash, illogical, or open to criticism would you?” said Guido stuffing his face.
I found myself inexplicably nibbling his cracker. Anything for a quiet life..