Fake Nachos

Apparently these days it’s hard for people to figure out anymore between what’s real and what’s just journalistic fantasy.

Neil Armstrong Convinced Moon Landing Was A Fake,” I said as quick as a flash to Guido in bed late last night. I was acting like the finger on the pulse on-line news junkie I’d clearly turned into.

I looked out at the twinkling stars through our loft window. Maybe that giant leap into lunar dust wasn’t as big as everyone thought it was at the time.

“Well if anyone should know then Neil would,” said Guido.

I scrolled down to the next factual news item on my iPad. Whatever was breaking I was going to be all over it.

Woman Grows Third Breast,” I said as a matter of urgency. Female readers please take note.

I wondered how that might be possible but then I saw the very convincing photographic evidence. It was undisputable. Wearing a standard bra was certainly going to be challenging for her.

“I think some sad and lonely guys surfing the net might get pretty excited by that,” said Guido barely looking up from the Tex-Mex cookery book he had propped on his hairy knees.

I kept scrolling.

Kim Jong-un Voted Sexiest Man Alive,” I said. I re-read that headline a couple of times just to make sure I’d read it right the first time.

I looked at Kim’s picture. Hmm. You’ve really got to be into leaders who want to rule the world. Personally, I think you’ll have to count me out.

I could tell by the way Guido was fiercely flicking the pages of his cookbook that something far more important was running through his brain than the sexual magnetism of a despot.

“Utterly fake,” he muttered as he stared at a recipe, “you call this cooking?” Never before had I heard so much concentrated tutting in the space of only a minute. “I mean, just look at this,” he said holding the book a thumb print from my face, “Nachos in 5 Minutes, have you ever heard anything so completely ridiculous?”

“Utterly unbelievable,” I said. I even tutted in a display of total solidarity but frankly I was still struggling with the concept of living my life with three breasts. However, despite the fact that it was gone midnight the thought of melted cheese over potato chips in only five minutes was definitely appealing. I didn’t care if it was fake or not. Hey, count me in.

“There’s no chopped tomato, herbs, spices, Scottish Cheddar, or even a fresh mashed avocado.” There was another loud tut. “Anybody who makes food like that must be mad or desperate, or both.”

For some strange reason I found myself thinking about the sex god now known as Kim Jong-un again. I blinked. Throw in some nachos and I still wouldn’t consider it.

By the way. Here’s the recipe. Fake or not.

Nachos In 5 Minutes (Unbelievable But Completely True)

Open one jar of shop bought salsa sauce and one jar of shop bought guacamole. Tip the contents of a large packet of Nachos into a heat resistant bowl and sprinkle with grated cheese, some pickled jalapeño peppers (from a jar), and a teaspoon of dried chilli flakes (from a jar). Melt the cheese under grill for about 4 minutes.


65 thoughts on “Fake Nachos

  1. What? that is not a new recipe that is how every bar, pub, mexican restaurant in Canada does it. I do it at home too. Gee something is wrong on that Island of yours, I feel sorry that you just discover this, oh my and now Brexit?!?! No! BTW Scottish Cheddar on Nachos? Really, you need cheap cheddar if you are going to make good nachos. As for the sexiest man alive today is our PM Justin just watch how people drool when he appears somewhere.


  2. I see Trump’s favourite expression “Fake News” has crossed the ocean.
    Total admiration, (see applause) for your mental agility. You’ve managed to put a personal, humorous spin on current events. Nicely done, JP.
    Unlike my fellow Canadian larrymuffin, I’m no expert on Nachos in or out of bars, but I’ve got to go with Guido on this one. That recipe sounds gross.
    On the Kim Jong-un front — shudder. Now, Harry Shum Jr. as Magnus Bane in Shadowhunters — 🙂
    Have a great weekend at the Spanish Onion 🙂


  3. You know if it’s on the net it’s gotta be true and I certainly could do one of the three. To keep you from guessing it would he nachos in five minutes. Anything with a mexican flare.


  4. The last time we had nachos out at a restaurant they were just chips and half melted cheese. Even Guido’s fake ones sound better. I’m sure he can whip up much tastier ones in no time at all.


  5. I guess he wouldn’t approve of the taco kits that people can get at the stores then either, umm not that I buy those, nope not me.

    On another note, this is the first time ever in my life that I wanted to see our prime minister naked, not many of the rest of you can say that!


    • I’m afraid Guido doesn’t approve of food which comes in a cardboard box. I on the other hand appreciate anything sandwiched between a bun. Especially if it in valves a gherkin.
      But the way. Great to see you back posting.


  6. Tex-Mex is also known as Tex-Mess. Was there a reciope for Queso? A 16 oz block of Velveeta and a can of 10 oz can of Ro*Tel diced tomatoes and green chilies. Combine both and microwave until Velveeta is melted. Another great culinary gift from Texas.


  7. I’m still trying to remember the last time Larry made nachos the quick way? And no that isn’t an euphemism. And I’m sure with Guido’s nachos half the pleasure is watching him chop and mash – which you may consider an euphemism.


  8. As always great read. You very talented and gifted that when you write, your readers can smell, taste and see what you write about. Faking Nachos, being happening for many years now and will be faked in the future. Ivan.


  9. Oh honey! Nachos aren’t just melted cheese over potato chips. To start with, you use tortilla (as in corn) chips! Then you add both shredded Monterey Jack and cheddar cheese, diced tomatoes, black beans (or refried beans if you prefer), sliced jalapenos to taste and put them under the broiler. When they come out of the broiler, add dollops of fresh guacamole and sour cream and sprinkle chopped cilantro on top. Serve with a big bowl of salsa and you’re good to go.

    That’s how we do it in Los Angeles


  10. It was fun reading though – as all your posts are ! – but the nacho recipe is a bust.
    Living as I do in the American Southwest this ersatz recipe simply won’t do.


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