Blue Monday

It may have escaped you but, Friday’s date was the thirteenth. To top it all Monday’s going to be what’s statistically the most depressing day of the year. They don’t call it Blue Monday for nothing. So to combat this double whammy, this perfect storm of worldwide malcontent, I decided to put on a happy face.

I got out of bed Friday and looked in the bathroom mirror. I’ve got to tell you it wasn’t a pretty sight. Despite the application of copious amounts of gel I had a tuft of hair which stayed stubbornly standing erect on top of my head like some sort of radio antenna. I smiled my best smile and got dressed. It was grey and wet and miserable outside and, although only about ten paces from our loft to the café backdoor, I still got soaked.

“Hello husband!” I waved cheerily, as I dripped all over the place, “How’s my culinary lover this fine and glorious morning?”

Guido was standing frowning infront of his chopping board with a big carving knife in his hand. He started to ruthlessly stab an aubergine. In my head I heard the violins from the soundtrack of the movie Psycho. Never before had I felt such sympathy for a vegetable. I moved swiftly on and threw open the kitchen door.

“Good morning London!” I yelled at the customers.

Everybody stared at me grumpily. Nobody said anything. Okay, I thought, I’m definitely sensing bad karma. I wanted to reassure them. Today wasn’t that bad, just wait until you get a load of Blue Monday. I sat down in the nearest booth opposite the customer I affectionately call The Lady With Bushy Eyebrows. This is because she does have big eyebrows which are only ever visible from over the top of her newspaper, even when she is simultaneously eating breakfast and sipping coffee. She makes Freda Kahlo looked plucked. I distinctly heard her say the words, oh no, as I sat down.

Guido has two nineteen year old identical twins work for him. One helps out front, the other out back. They both have names but I can never tell which is which so to make it easier for myself I only ever refer to them as, The Twins.

“Lovely to see you Twin!” I said jauntily. He sauntered over warily with a notepad. “I’ll have a slice of toasted happiness and a cup of positivity please!”

He seemed startled by my liberal use of exclamation marks. “Have you just taken a pill?” he asked, curling his top lip. I shook my head still smiling.

“No,” I said, “But to keep this real I’ll have a mug of hot water with a slice of lemon, and a banana please.” I mean, what better day to reboot The Banana Diet? I tapped Freda Kahlo’s newspaper.

“Today’s Friday 13th,” I said flashing my teeth, “traditionally bad luck. Personally I blame The Last Supper.”

Freda raised her big eyebrows, “Yeah,” she said, “Just be careful you don’t get run over by an oncoming bus today,” which I thought was particularly caring of her.

Later in bed Guido told me The Twins had grassed me up and that my happy disposition was scaring the customers.

“If you keep this demeanor up through Blue Monday,” he said, “I’ll have to lock you in a cupboard until Tuesday.”

I think he meant it.

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55 thoughts on “Blue Monday

  1. I’m still working up to hot water and lemon JP, but I’ll get there. I’m hoping Blue Monday turns out good. I have to return a call to HR (Human Resources) and I’m hoping it’s to set up a job interview for a new position. Hope your Blue Monday is great. Tell Guido no cabinets unless he’s in there with you :).

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  2. “He seemed startled by my liberal use of exclamation marks.” Haha! You crazy. But look at you, bucking the British trend. Friday the thirteenth has often been good to me, so there’s no triskaidekaphobia here. I’m not one for superstition at all, really – that’s bad luck. 😉

    I hope your Monday is swell, and full of exclamation marks!

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      • Oh, I did! How cavalier of you! See, now you’ve got me throwing ’em in too… it’s spreading. On the second score: I’m not sure there is, but carry on before British grumps and I’m sure it’ll legitimise pretty quickly! 😛

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  3. Blue Monday? never heard of it, must be a British invention. As I read your entry I am looking at the blue sunny sky here in PEI. We are having a lot of sunny days here. Maybe that is what London needs. We should send you Anne of Green Gables to cheer you up.

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  4. Friday the Thirteenth completely passed me by! I am usually on high alert on such days, not sure what happened 🤔 Blue Monday is definitely a Calendar Day though and having suffered the January blues my entire life, I look out for it and plan my way through it nowadays, always having a project for that day. Seems to work. Speaking of cupboards, we are clearing out all of ours which is probably why I missed Friday the Thirteenth, I was too preoccupied over clearing out my dusty old Classics, my daughter’s student files and a seemingly endless number of throws that haven’t been thrown over anything for a very long time!!! And you wouldn’t believe how many bags we filled of padded bags, plastic bags, bubble wrap and tissue paper – a whole floor to ceiling cupboard full! Got any use for bubble wrap? I can’t bring myself to throw it away.😏

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    • You’ll see Jacob has a technical term for the 13th. It sound like you were super productive on Friday. Hopefully this means your back must be better. Our place is too small to hoard stuff but I do admire your collection of bubble wrap. I once knew a guy who loved to pop it. In fact he had a fantasy that he could cover the whole interior of his flat in in and then jump up and down popping it. I’m sure there is a name for that too! Sounds like you need to put your feet up today and chill.
      JP

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      • Ooo I love the idea of a bubblewrapped room! My young grandson used to love jumping off a stool onto those airfilled pockets that are sometimes used for packing. Don’t worry about my back it is a lifelong problem and we work round it: I say what has to be done, how it has to be done and when it has to be done and my husband does it! 😄

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  5. “Good morning, London!” I love it. I’d be a fixture for life at any cafe where someone popped through the kitchen door and shouted those words. Robin Williams with an English accent !

    Just got back from a week in London. Saw some theatre, got rained on. I have my own Oyster card now, so I’m a native, right?

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