When I first started writing this blog I had a really terrific idea. I posted my details onto a website which initially appeared to host other gay personal journals just like mine was going to be. I thought it was a great way to reach out to all of those elusive and anonymous new readers just waiting to get to know all about my life. Unfortunately, or indeed fortunately depending on how you feel about where your visitor traffic is sourced from, it turned out to be a porn site. The last time I looked it up, there I was, wedged between two blogs called Hot & Tight Lycra Guys, and, Big Banger in Baku Live! Never before has the use of an exclamation mark in a blog title name seemed so totally irrelevant. But hey, I’ll take all the visitors I can get so whether your clothes stretch when you put them on or you’re otherwise distracted in Azerbaijan, please, read on.
“I know I must be a big disappointment,” I said to Guido last night in bed. “I’m not sure I’m fulfilling expectations.”
Guido was trying hard to finish a crossword just before lights out. He was stuck on 7 across. It had 4 letters and began with the letter D. The clue was esoteric, which I remember thinking was pretty funny at the time.
“What I’m saying is,” I said staring up at our bedroom ceiling, “I’m not living up to the fantasy.”
I heard a sigh.
“Look,” said Guido putting his pen down, “if this is about last week when I told you I thought it would be really hot if we both smothered each other naked all over in sticky chilli sauce – honestly, if you’d prefer mayo, I’d be totally cool with that too.”
Much as I liked, and was momentarily distracted by that idea (I’m perfectly happy with chilli sauce), I realised we were talking about totally different things.
“Yeah, well, no,” I said sitting up, “what I meant was, if you advertise yourself as something you turn out not to be, then people are going to be disappointed. Right?”
He still looked completely baffled.
“Okay. Let’s say you were happily surfing the world wide web looking for a quick and easy recipe for a hummus dip when you inadvertently clicked onto a gay blog on a gay website that just happens to be called, My Husband and I. Imagine there was a picture of a half naked guy on it, laying on a half made bed. Tell me, what would you expect to find there?”
There was a short pause.
“Well,” Guido said, “initially I’d be looking innocently for chick peas blitzed with olive oil and some garlic – followed by two naked dudes with a webcam switched on.” He picked up his pen, “but let’s just say I’m more experienced on the vegetarian dip front.”
I thought about Guido and me in bed with one of us balancing a hand held web cam with lots of jars of condiments exploding open. It was terrifying.
So, to all of those of you reading this right now who are wearing restrictive super tight spandex, or are many miles away getting hot under the collar at the thought of two husbands in South London with an interest in crudities, honestly, thanks for stopping by.