Great expectations

When I first started writing this blog I had a really terrific idea. I posted my details onto a website which initially appeared to host other gay personal journals just like mine was going to be. I thought it was a great way to reach out to all of those elusive and anonymous new readers just waiting to get to know all about my life. Unfortunately, or indeed fortunately depending on how you feel about where your visitor traffic is sourced from, it turned out to be a porn site. The last time I looked it up, there I was, wedged between two blogs called Hot & Tight Lycra Guys, and, Big Banger in Baku Live! Never before has the use of an exclamation mark in a blog title name seemed so totally irrelevant. But hey, I’ll take all the visitors I can get so whether your clothes stretch when you put them on or you’re otherwise distracted in Azerbaijan, please, read on.

“I know I must be a big disappointment,” I said to Guido last night in bed. “I’m not sure I’m fulfilling expectations.”

Guido was trying hard to finish a crossword just before lights out. He was stuck on 7 across. It had 4 letters and began with the letter D. The clue was esoteric, which I remember thinking was pretty funny at the time.

“What I’m saying is,” I said staring up at our bedroom ceiling, “I’m not living up to the fantasy.”

I heard a sigh.

“Look,” said Guido putting his pen down, “if this is about last week when I told you I thought it would be really hot if we both smothered each other naked all over in sticky chilli sauce – honestly, if you’d prefer mayo, I’d be totally cool with that too.”

Much as I liked, and was momentarily distracted by that idea (I’m perfectly happy with chilli sauce), I realised we were talking about totally different things.

“Yeah, well, no,” I said sitting up, “what I meant was, if you advertise yourself as something you turn out not to be, then people are going to be disappointed. Right?”

He still looked completely baffled.

“Okay. Let’s say you were happily surfing the world wide web looking for a quick and easy recipe for a hummus dip when you inadvertently clicked onto a gay blog on a gay website that just happens to be called, My Husband and I. Imagine there was a picture of a half naked guy on it, laying on a half made bed. Tell me, what would you expect to find there?”

There was a short pause.

“Well,” Guido said, “initially I’d be looking innocently for chick peas blitzed with olive oil and some garlic – followed by two naked dudes with a webcam switched on.” He picked up his pen, “but let’s just say I’m more experienced on the vegetarian dip front.”

I thought about Guido and me in bed with one of us balancing a hand held web cam with lots of jars of condiments exploding open. It was terrifying.

So, to all of those of you reading this right now who are wearing restrictive super tight spandex, or are many miles away getting hot under the collar at the thought of two husbands in South London with an interest in crudities, honestly, thanks for stopping by.

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47 thoughts on “Great expectations

  1. If you are going to have followers from porn sites then you can’t get much better names than the ones you have got. I roared my head off when I read that Bib Banger one in particular!
    Well, I am probably not your typical follower either being a middle-aged straight female, but I am very nosy by nature and love to see how people live. I also love a bit of humour. Your blog more than delivers on both counts so I for one, am not disappointed! 🙂

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  2. I’m glad I found my way to your blog. You always make me smile JP. Thank you for sharing your stories and Guidos recipes. I’m not sure about mayo or chili sauce. A nice warm caramel is more my style :). Hugs to you both!!!

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  3. Well with all the fruits here I expect the incoming traffic can’t believe their luck! In fact, they’ve probably just nipped out to grab some chilli sauce! 😉

    I get a constant trickle of hits from explicit Tumblr sites – which of course I’ve never visited – after one of my portraits got circulated on there by the subject. I often wonder, similarly, what these people must think when they come over? Still, perhaps their fantasy involves windmills and Countdown, who knows!

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  4. You know, it took me a long while to realise this blog is about a gay couple. I just read your posts and never saw your site description, and for the longest while, I was confused by your use of pronouns. Then it finally hit me you’re both male.

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  5. For most of my life, my father has told me to lower my expectations in order to avoid disappointment. However, I didn’t usually listen to my father. Your blog always exceeds my expectations.

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  6. I was recently working on a presentation on privacy and personal relationships in long term care facilities (sex in the nursing home), I learned that I have to be very careful with search terms in Google images when looking for clip art on relationships. Oh My!

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  7. Surprisingly, I did not land here via a porn site. I actually went to the WordPress Reader and sought out some gay personal journals. I know by the date on this post I’m VERY late to the party, but I’m pleased to have found this. In any case, I’ll look forward to more. Excuse me while I go look at some of your more recent posts. 😊

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