Some times only a thick slice of toasted sourdough bread with a topping of sticky sweet marmalade will do. Think about it. Slowly dipping a large spoon into a big jar for a luxurious scoop, then spreading a glistening layer of chewy orange peel over melted butter. You might have guessed there’s got to be a reason why I’ve been madly fantasising about getting up close and personal with a piece of toast. So I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but, I’ve been on another whacko diet. And I’m even more sorry to have to tell you it’s called The Banana Diet.

I know what you’re thinking and it’s probably get a life. It’s  incredibly simple to follow. All you have to do is peel and eat five bananas a day for four days. I’ve lost six pounds already. The only downside I can report is that I’ve started to act like a chimpanzee and I’ve become increasingly aroused by thoughts of jam. Guido’s reassured me that he hasn’t really noticed any discernible difference in my behaviour, so that’s been illuminating.

As a distraction this week I’ve been sitting downstairs in the cafe at breakfast time. Whilst the big decision of my day has been whether to start peeling a banana from its top or from its bottom, I’ve quietly sat analysing the other customers and I’ve got to tell you it’s been fascinating. I’m considering writing a very clever thesis about it then sending it to the Nobel prize panel. I reckon I could be in with a chance of winning in the Toast Spreading category. Please see abridged examples of my notes below.

Toast Spreading Observation Technique (Sessions 1, 2 & 3)

Monday 7.35 a.m. Male, 5’6, oriental extraction, 2 slices, granary, butter, blueberry jam. Left handed. Spread right hand of left slice of toast first. Potential to be serial killer – low.

Monday 7.58 a.m. Female, height unknown, big ass, very long dark hair, could be a Kardashian, 1 slice, toasted rye, half an avocado. Frantic fork mashing technique. Do not approach until fed.

Tuesday 8.03 a.m. Male, 6′, beard, sexy, tight shirt, muscular arms, nice smile, excellent eye contact, boiled egg, yoke dipped seductively with a crusty white, good chewing motion. Request telephone number for more in depth probing later over a bottle of Chianti.

Tuesday 8.10. Female, 5’4, glasses, late for work, has nervous breakdown over variety of bread choice. Leaves with nothing. Do not employ this woman.

Wednesday 7.45 a.m. Male, 5’8, wearing headphones, 2 slices, granary, Marmite Yeast, takes 5 minutes to spread one slice and another 5 to eat it, completely unaware that he is singing a Scissor Sisters track at a level which is not socially acceptable.

“Well,” said Guido reading my notes, “it’s all very interesting but I’m not sure the scientific panel in Stockholm will be interested.”

I felt crushed until he told me he’d boiled up some of his homemade marmalade for me as a special treat. There’s only so many spots a banana can hit. Trust me.

Guido’s Marmalade 

Quarter 6 pieces of citrus fruit and blitz (including peel) in a food processor. In a pan slowly bring to a simmer with 1 kilo of sugar. Boil for 20 minutes stirring occasionally with a wooden spoon. Take care it can bubble and splash. Fills about 5 x 340gram sterilised jars.


31 thoughts on “Toast

  1. Oh my, bananas do not agree with me. Five a day?? I’m cringing just thinking about it. I wish my husband would make me jam. Strawberry would be nice. Guido is a keeper.


    • OL – not tried grapefruit (but now you’ve got me thinking) but I have tried lemons so assume all citrus fruit should work. Good luck.


  2. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA your life is FANTASTIC 😂 You can write a book with your hilarious stories and they’ll probably sell out immediately. I’ll buy the first one 😁 And omg Guido reads the comments (Hi Guido! 😊😋) hehe
    – Your fan 😉


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