Readers of this blog might just be able to remember an old post I wrote months ago about the ongoing saga which became globally known as, Our Unpainted And Flaking Bedroom Ceiling. Fortunately no one will yet be familiar with the other possible internet sensations now happening in my life but include, A Very Wonky Kitchen Floorboard, or, The Incredible Leaking Bath Plug.

You certainly read important and internationally breaking news here first folks.

This week Guido inadvertently added yet another item to the ever growing list of DIY disasters. Whilst drawing up the window blind in our bedroom he successfully managed to rip it completely free from the bolts holding it to the ceiling which were clinging on for dear life – old and fatigued, I expect. God, I know just how those screws must have felt.

“Don’t worry,” said Guido brushing plaster dust from the top of his head at the time. “Keep calm. I’ll re-hang tomorrow.”

That was six days ago and I’m still waiting and I’m still counting. I feel I’ve now got no other option but to call this latest unfortunate incident, The Unhinged Pelmet. This should not in any way whatsoever be confused with, The Unhidged Front Door. Opening that currently involves performing something not dissimilar to The Heimlich Maneuver on the lock and handle every time we want to get into our home and, frankly, it’s becoming tedious.

Well last night, whilst Guido was cooking dinner, I decided to strike whilst the pan was sizzling hot.

“I’m thinking about hiring a man,” I said completely casually, “and please don’t feel it’s at all a reflection on what you can do or cannot do with those big strong hands of yours. But to be honest, I’ve decided I’d be more than happy to find, and pay, a professional.”

Guido started to stir his risotto anti-clockwise in a blind panic. Then the penny eventually dropped who I was hiring, and why.

“Well,” he said, “if you’re talking about the VERY few MINOR bits of DIY which I’ve promised to fix over the last fifteen years, let me make absolutely clear, I’m perfectly CAPABLE.”

Please note the capatalization in the sentence above.

No, it wasn’t lost on me either as I sat listening intently on our, Sofa With The Missing Left Foot, which is currently being propped up with a 2014 curled and tattered copy of the South London Yellow Pages.

“If I can fry mushrooms in a Dutch Oven without crowding them in the pan then I can screw down a wonky floorboard,” said Guido smugly. There was an ominous ping, as he kept stepping on it.

“Okay,” I said, “but just promise me one thing, you’ll take your time and you’ll use the proper tools.”

Well, when I got home from work tonight boy was I in for a very pleasant surprise. Picture it. I found Guido standing in the loft, wearing cut off Levis, Caterpillar boots, a tight fitting white vest, and a very chunky tool belt buckled round his hips. Never before had home improvement pricked my interest so overwhelmingly.

“Where d’you want me to start?” asked Guido obligingly revving up his drill bit in anticipation.

“How about the bedroom?” I said naturally.

Needless to say there’s been a lot of screwing going on.


39 thoughts on “DIY SOS

  1. I feel your pain. We had new lights installed in the kitchen ceiling and Carlos said he would repair the holes left by the old lights.
    We might have been better served working in the bedroom ourselves!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know someone with a tool belt fetish, reading this would get him all excited . . . I better send this to him. Perhaps the best approach to hiring someone is, “I know you are so busy, and your time in the kitchen and bedroom is far to valuable to waste on home repairs.” It sometimes works for me. I don’t do plumbing, I flooded a house one time, what I spend having the water removed from the carpets would have paid a decade of plumber’s bills.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree with David. That sounds like a better option. Then again, as far as DIY goes at my place, I had to learn how to fix curtains myself when I first moved here as I did not know where to look for people. I used to hate just the sight of the drill before but am now able to fix most of my stuff myself


      • Ah ah ah, for someone who initially had the trauma against drilling because of a silly movie I watched ages ago called Body Double or something like that I have fully caught up with the post-trauma handling as I hung and rehung my paintings and curtains in many places where I have moved to (must have moved around 10 times in 10 years). I actually have what is called a boring well in the garden but it is water which cannot be used for drinking. It is merely for watering the plants to avoid water wastage. Every now and then I have to get a new well dug out next to the old one as the sand usually clog up the lines.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. My husband has a DIY inside list and a DIY outside list. He also has lists for non-DIY things (thanks to his triple AAA personality). He is also a good DIY guy. Yesterday morning the handle on the master bath toilet broke. I texted him at work to tell him. He set a calendar reminder to put it on his list. He wrote it on his list when he got home. And he fixed it this morning 🙂 And then crossed it off his list.


      • I’ll see what I can do 😉 I will admit that he’s also good at knowing when something is out of his DIY comfort zone and will call an expert in. That’s how our deck was done in a week.


  5. Fifteen years?! You have been with Guido that long? I thought you were, like, 25 years old.

    Also: you should hire a man. There is no need to be selfish about it; you and Guido can share the benefits.


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