The trouble with tartan

I realise it’s an annoying habit of mine but, once in a blue moon, I like to drop a bombshell in bed just before lights out.

“I’m thinking of ditching the pink tuxedo idea for our marriage,” I said to Guido under the blanket last night. “I’m worried I’m going to look like Liberace.”

Rest assured readers, despite the fact that it’s the final countdown to our wedding I’m completely relaxed about the fact that I currently have nothing to wear to it. And breathe in 1, 2, 3, and exhale, 1, 2, 3.

“There is a God,” said Guido. I noticed the distinct whiff of relief fill the air.

“Yes,” I said casually preparing to detonate, “instead I’m going down the less controversial route of a loud check or plaid, or, get ready for this one – a tartan suit.”

I’ve got my blogger friend at over at lenaleegoeshmmm.wordpress.com to thank for the plaid idea. She’s been researching her family history and has discovered they have a tartan.

It took a moment for what I’d call stunned silent contemplation to kick in from Guido’s side of the mattress. It was the calm before the storm as my latest fashion revelation got fully absorbed. Sadly Guido’s brain can be a bit clunky like this on occasions. You know the pilot light’s lit but you seriously begin to wonder if anybody’s cooking with gas. That is unless of course Guido happens to be in the middle of averting a culinary meatball crisis at the time, in which case I can guarantee the gas is going and the gravy will always be rescued. Just splash in some Worcestershire Sauce. Hey, there’s another little one of his secret tips for you to try at home.

“I’ve seen a Vivienne Westwood tartan suit,” I said to Guido. I think at this point he had his head buried between pillows. “It’s reduced from £775 to a paltry £542.50. It’s a total bargain.” Once the wedding is over it’s going to make a great pair of bathroom curtains. As far as I was concerned it was a complete no brainer.

Guido suddenly sat bolt upright.

“Have you got splinters for the windmills of your mind?” he asked. It’s a distinct possibility, yes. “That’s more than the cost of our honeymoon flights to Lanzarote. Anyway, I thought you told Best Man Ted kilts were out.”

“They are, well, let’s just say, his is,” I said. “I mean, really, have you seen Ted’s legs? They’re not what I’d call Chippendale, but they could possibly be what I’d call Queen Anne.”

No disrespect intended but Ted has the sort of knees which scare small children. At the very least they’d have other guests gagging on their calamari. Forget a meatball crisis, can you imagine half nibbled squid leftovers? And not even a spicy dip to save the day.

“One day soon, when all this wedding nonsense is finally over you’ll have nothing to think about,” said Guido turning out the light. “I, on the other hand, am concentrating my thoughts on the vital ingredients that will form a signature raspberry ripple cheesecake recipe.”

I suppose there are worse things to think about in bed other than cheesecake. Guido could be tossing and turning all night worrying about the perils of an over stuffed haggis.

Lena, this one’s for you.

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31 thoughts on “The trouble with tartan

  1. Why not do what the Italians do, look at the Movie la Grande Bellezza, a dark blue suit, white shirt and tie. Perfect elegant, need I say more. As for Liberace, he was a friend of my parents and I met him once as a child, a very nice man.

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  2. If you’re going to do what the Italians do, you need to eat and make love with equal passion, as far as a tartan suit goes, it’s not what you wear, but how you wear it and I’m sure you going to rock it, whatever ‘it’ turns out to be 😉

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  3. Thank you JP. I didn’t know I would be influencing your wedding attire :). Maybe Guido would be willing to compromise. Instead of a full tartan suit, maybe just the cumberbund, tie and pocket square in tartan. I’m thinking a blue or grey plaid would go great with the pink tux. Or the pink kilt in the video would be perfect.

    Thanks for the video. I will be searching out Scottish kilt videos now. See what you started? 😉

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  4. Hi JP, Ted here. So upset re. your comment on my legs. And do you expect us to pay for our wedding outfits? If so we need to come round for a few extra card game evenings.
    Has Guido chosen his best man yet? I understand Rafael Nadal is not playing Wimbledon this year so he would be available, they could jabber away in Spanish while waiting for you at the church, you’re bound to be late getting tarted up in that tartan suit. G&T

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  5. We have here in town an enterprise/collective/consortium – s o m e word or another – called ‘The Rabbit Box’, whose mission is to showcase storytellers. Once a month it routinely draws quite a large crowd. A theme is posted in advance, and each selected participant holds forth with short saga (nine minute time limit). Talented as you are with a tale, I must say you were in the back of my mind evening past when the theme was ‘Tying the Knot’!

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