Make love not pasta

The trouble with pasta is, it’s bloating.  I think it’s the starch and the carbohydrates and probably Guido’s over generous portion of sauce.  If you’re an elite athlete who wants to run a marathon within twentyfour hours, fine.  However, if you’re a regular person up for sex straight after eating then you may have a problem.  If you’re anything like me then ravioli will make you wilt.  Maybe my metabolism’s weird. But there’s a story that, in old Naples, prostitutes used to eat copious amounts of spaghetti before a ship full of hungry foreign sailors arrived in port.  I’ve never slept with a sailor but if I’d been cooped up onboard for eight months with a bunch of hairy seamen, getting my fork into a penne arrabiata would be absolutely the last thing running through my head.

Guido is immune to this glutenous phenomenon.  He could eat a macaroni cheese and then stand on his head without burping.  He could have a full portion carbonara and still let all his bits happily hang out with no obvious trouble.  Meanwhile there I am, after supper, like Fatty Arbuckle, woefully trying to suck every inch of me back in.  I’m sorry to have to tell you the following.  The two of us actually ate cannelloni in bed last week.   Then right after we had sex.  How unedifying is that? And I’m even more sorry to have to tell you that as I was laying there all I could think about was one thing.  It wasn’t Guido. It was fast-acting Gaviscon.  

If you too suffer from this unfortunate affliction then I am relieved to now tell you that help may be at hand.   I’ve discovered there is one pasta dish Guido can cook which I can stomach, then happily remove my clothes for.  It’s a terrific chilli linguine.  It’s definitely a stimulant.  Honestly, last night I took one mouthful and I was like Neanderthal Man with a thick club.  I couldn’t wait to pull back the sheets and role-play The Dark Ages. 

“You should seriously think about telling people about the effect of this stuff.  At the very least please put a sign in the café window to tell everyone it exists,” I said with not one hint of indigestion.  “Something subtle like – Come in! Now serving culinary Viagra!

As I’ve already discovered to my cost on this blog, a chef is like a magician and his recipes are the secret to the magic trick.  Reveal how they work and it’s generally considered treachery.  Unless of course you happen to be Nigella Lawson and you’ve a new book to promote and a house in Chelsea to pay for.

“It’s a kind thought.  But if you ever divulge my chilli linguine recipe to anyone I may have to kill you,” said Guido.  I must say, it’s such a shame because I’m the sort of person who does like to spread breaking news to my blogger friends.  Even if it does put my life at risk.

Boil a large pan of salted water and cook the linguine as instructed on the packet.  Once al dente, drain and add a glug of garlic pressed olive oil, one crushed fresh clove of garlic and two teaspoons of dried chilli flakes.  Stir well.  Serve topped with shavings of Grana Pandano cheese.  Then, have sex immediately.  

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45 thoughts on “Make love not pasta

  1. Brilliant read. Nothing wrong with having dinner in bed and then some passion. And maybe some more. We don’t eat a lot of pasta however we do favour chili. I get bloated from too much starch, and that uncomfortable feeling that you cannot sleep probably, however why sleep then!!!! Ivan.

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  2. I loved your usual humour and sorry to read we share this pasta affliction. I never have it in the night because of that although I do love pasta. Apparently the gluten free pasta is unanimously loved because of the fact it stops bloating. I honestly cannot say it makes that much of a difference for me.
    Hopefully Guido is not going to kill you now that you have divulged his recipe and we can continue reading your hilarious stories 😀

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  3. O_O I will never look at pasta the same way again!

    Actually chilli hates me, feed me chilli and NASA will strap me to a rocket in order to take advantage of the blast off effect…. of the worst kind. Thought you would want to know that since we’re sharing food eating results. Lol.

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  4. After the meal wait an hour. Then put a half teaspoon of baking soda in 4 ounces of water. Stir until dissolved. Drink. Wait until you belch several times. Then you are good to go.

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  5. I’m looking for a guy for Dark Ages role play. Sounds like fun. I like hairy, unshaven men so this could be fun. Will you help we write the Craigslist ad?

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  6. My hubby loves Greek spaghetti – we had years ago in a Greek restaurant in Tarpon Springs, Florida. Saute diced onions i olive oil until soft (don’t brown), add minced garlic. Stir into warm al dente angel hair pasta, grate parm-reg cheese, fresh ground pepper, and expire. Sort of.

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    • Try cutting out gluten, see what happens. It’s not just what we eat but the combination of foods…for example, brown rice and chicken is a killer combo for me. I won’t go into the science behind it, for fear I’ll bore the pants off you. I can recommend keeping a diary of everything you eat and any noticeable side effects.

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  7. I shouldn’t read your posts while lying in bed trying to recover from a migraine. I think something popped and it wasn’t my cherry.

    Awesome as ever….x

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      • Ditto, handsome. I’ve not posted much at all, due to malfunctioning Apples and collapsing beds…also, other life stuff that was more interesting than walking on dead ladybugs. I have posted over on Mari’s site though, a few bits and bobs. You’ve been mentioned in a couple of my posts.

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