I do like to pucker up and lay one on Guido whenever I can. I’m not at all fussy where. It’s usually on his lips but sometimes I’ll make do with the top of his head or a cheek but whenever I kiss him on his earlobe apparently it makes him go all tingly. Only not in a good way. He says he has to wiggle his toes for a couple of minutes to counter-act the effect. I know, he can be really very odd sometimes.
When we first started dating I never paid much attention to Guido’s technique. Being brutally honest, his lips weren’t my A Number 1 priority. I had other pressing things on my mind; if you catch my drift. However initial impressions were that he was definitely a Pecker. You’ll know it. Tight lipped, fast, in and out, tends to go straight for the kill. It’s great as an ice breaker or you just want to show some affection but you’re a bit pressed for anything full-on or time consuming, like heavy petting.
Then, as time went on, we got to know each other orally. Guido started this weird thing which I called the Butterfly. It involved getting so close that eyelashes touched. Then just before kissing lips, he’d blink very fast so that they fluttered like tiny wings. I’ll admit it was impressive for a guy like me who’d previously only ever blown one. I’m guessing you have to be reasonably well endowed in the eyelash department to pull that one off and slightly nuts too. Fortunately Guido is both.
And I do think Winter is so great for the liberal application of lip balm, don’t you think? Lips get to slip and slop and slide together. I have half a dozen flavours of the stuff in my bag at any one time. I like to rotate so Guido never knows whether he’s going to get Betty Crocker Whipped Chocolate flavour or Green Wasabi. I call that kiss the Lip Gloss.
But when it comes to kissing I have to tell you I’m actually very envious of that scene in the Spiderman movie. It’s done so beautifully. It’s the bit where he dangles athletically and kisses the girl from upside down. So his top lip is stuck on her bottom lip and visa versa. I’m making a mental note to finally try that one out at the weekend. I really don’t care if it results in a sudden rush of blood to my head or excessive toe wiggling from either of us.
Thankfully Guido’s never been big on tongues, especially in public. The French can keep them. The last time he kissed me in front of anyone was when he asked me to marry him. That was May 2015 and, readers please take note, still no date, no ceremony and no ring on my finger. Just saying. I call it the Proposal. It was a once in a life-time kiss, in a restaurant on Bankside called The Real Greek. It didn’t last that long but we got a round of applause all the same. The management even threw in a free portion of baklava to celebrate. As kisses go, I reckon they must have thought it was a pretty good one.