A survey

I’m conducting a survey. It’ll be quick and painless and hopefully you’ll be getting involved in a terrific social experiment with diverse people from all around the globe.  Or possibly just the usual handful of devoted regulars who kindly read my blog and post highly thoughtful comments on it.  The survey includes one simple question to ponder about sleeping arrangements but don’t worry it definitely isn’t what you might be thinking.  Though it does involve a double bed.  

Okay here goes.  

If there were two people in this imaginary double bed which is part of my imaginary social experiment, and one of those people just happened to be you, then which side of the bed would you be sleeping on?  

Feel free to be be wearing bed clothes whilst visualising this, although that is not in any way obligatory.  Strip off totally nude if you like.  It’s entirely up to you but I can already guarantee that one person who routinely reads this blog willl have on bed socks.  

Stick with me the scientific bit is next.  

The reason I’m asking you is because yesterday I just happened to be reading an article in a tattered copy of Mens Health magazine in my Doctor’s surgery waiting room.  It categorically said that if you chose to sleep on the right hand side of the bed then it was a general sign that in life you were a complete and utter bossy boots.

“I’m guessing my dear,” I said in a cheery manner in the direction of the receptionist (who bore an uncanny resemblance to Miss Trunchbull), “that you almost certainly sleep on the right hand side of the bed.” Her look was withering.  I may have to wait a very long time for my next eye check up.

Later over meatballs I thought I’d broach the subject with Guido.  

“I want you to think long and hard about this question before you answer it,” I said, “but, do you think I’m bossy?”

“Yes,” said Guido barely taking a breath.  He stuck a slice of white bread into his gravy to mop it up.  As gravy goes, his was pretty damn good.

“What I’m saying,” I said, “is, would you say that I’m overbearing?”

“Yes,” said Guido without another moment’s hesitation.  

I called my mother.  She is the bossiest person I know.  She puts the freak into control freak.

“Hi, it’s me ,” I said. “I’m just calling to confirm you still sleep on the right hand side of the bed.”  I don’t like to think about my parents in bed together. It’s too horrible to contemplate.  From my recollection their nocturnal habits historically involved a hair net and a tube of moustache wax.  I hung up.  

I called my assistant Toby, who I think was actually in bed at the time.  I could hear him tossing his blanket.  

“What side of the bed are you laying on,” I asked.  Not surprisingly there was a long and tentative pause.

“I alway go straight up the middle,” he said.  This introduced a third and exciting option.  

I guess you may be wondering where I fall on the mattress with this one.  And, it may surprise you when I tell you that Guido sleeps on the right hand side of our bed and I sleep humbly on the left.  Though I reckon I do creep over to the other side in the middle of the night.  

I’ve got a terrific incentive to do so. 


30 thoughts on “A survey

  1. Hmm, ok so if I am sitting in bed, about to lay back and go to sleep, I would be on the right, however in my last relationship, I was banished to the left, but it felt wrong to me, like brushing your hair back to front. However I am passive, not bossy at all, so that doesn’t apply to me.

    I will get the cranberry oatmeal cookies recipe to you, it’s not hard to make.


  2. If I sleep alone I don’t bother which side I sleep on as I can toss and turn as I wish but if I am with someone I sleep on the side where I can lay on my right side and cuddle up because I feel it is uncomfortable to cuddle up and sleep too long on my left flank but I am ok with both sides in general


  3. So so funny. The thought of your parents with a tub of moustache wax and a hairnet, left me in stitches. I’m wondering how much fun could be had with two such items and needless to say, I can’t really think of anything. Sorry for the reminder as I understand it’s not a picture you want etched in your mind or anywhere else for that matter.

    Bed socks? Tell me who. I must at least know that I am not alone with my sock fetish.

    This is a tricky one. When my bed was in the other place, I slept on the right. The other place was on the wall to my right and gave me a good view of the door. Now, I sleep on the left but my legs sleep over on the right. It would therefore be safe to say that I go both ways and yet I don’t think that was on your list. A new superking is on order and will be here in approximately 8 weeks from whenever it was that I ordered it or sooner if I kick my heels just a little. What was the question?


  4. I sleep on the right. It’s to the point that when we away William always knows to take the left side. I will admit I am a it of a control person. Great blog.


  5. It really has more to do with what side the alarm clock is on. When I was living (and sleeping) alone, I varied from right to left to be closest to the clock. Now that I’m married, I sleep on the right – AWAY from the alarm clock. That way my hubby has to grope around and find the snooze button three or four times every morning while I drift off to sleep again!

    I guess that makes me a selfish b*tch. Are b*tchy and bossy the same?


  6. Over the year’s our positions have changed… oh grow up!!! – I began sleeping on the left side, for a while I was on the right, the back again to the left. But then Laurent and I slept in different beds in different cities for many years when he was on post so …. no this is getting too complicated to explain. I’m the boss as long as he lets me be and I sleep on the left side of the bed!


  7. My partner slept on the righthand side of the bed for years and it drove me nuts. (Apparently that’s a thing). So after our last move, I took over the right side of the bed, claiming I needed to sleep next to the door because I was the one who got up at night to let the dog out.

    The whole bossy pants thing makes complete sense now.


  8. Alright, I started at the top and I’m working my way down reading your blog, when this one stopped me…I’ve always been a right – side of the bed guy, that is until I met my last partner – hereby referred to as, Squishy.

    From the moment I fell in love with him, it was Love at first sight, African, 5′-8″ & built like a rock, he took control, though I kidded myself that I was in control, he decided what side to sit on. Walk on, sleep on – noooooooo, not my side, not the right side? Yes, he took the right and yes he was bossy , but, like yourself, I relenquished it, and I too found a reason to travel to that side at night…..sigh!!!!

    Funny thing, after he left to Harvard, I still sleep on the left, only now, the only thing to my right, is the pillow he slept on.

    I jut love reading your blog… patiently awaiting the next one . .


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