I’m conducting a survey. It’ll be quick and painless and hopefully you’ll be getting involved in a terrific social experiment with diverse people from all around the globe. Or possibly just the usual handful of devoted regulars who kindly read my blog and post highly thoughtful comments on it. The survey includes one simple question to ponder about sleeping arrangements but don’t worry it definitely isn’t what you might be thinking. Though it does involve a double bed.
Okay here goes.
If there were two people in this imaginary double bed which is part of my imaginary social experiment, and one of those people just happened to be you, then which side of the bed would you be sleeping on?
Feel free to be be wearing bed clothes whilst visualising this, although that is not in any way obligatory. Strip off totally nude if you like. It’s entirely up to you but I can already guarantee that one person who routinely reads this blog willl have on bed socks.
Stick with me the scientific bit is next.
The reason I’m asking you is because yesterday I just happened to be reading an article in a tattered copy of Mens Health magazine in my Doctor’s surgery waiting room. It categorically said that if you chose to sleep on the right hand side of the bed then it was a general sign that in life you were a complete and utter bossy boots.
“I’m guessing my dear,” I said in a cheery manner in the direction of the receptionist (who bore an uncanny resemblance to Miss Trunchbull), “that you almost certainly sleep on the right hand side of the bed.” Her look was withering. I may have to wait a very long time for my next eye check up.
Later over meatballs I thought I’d broach the subject with Guido.
“I want you to think long and hard about this question before you answer it,” I said, “but, do you think I’m bossy?”
“Yes,” said Guido barely taking a breath. He stuck a slice of white bread into his gravy to mop it up. As gravy goes, his was pretty damn good.
“What I’m saying,” I said, “is, would you say that I’m overbearing?”
“Yes,” said Guido without another moment’s hesitation.
I called my mother. She is the bossiest person I know. She puts the freak into control freak.
“Hi, it’s me ,” I said. “I’m just calling to confirm you still sleep on the right hand side of the bed.” I don’t like to think about my parents in bed together. It’s too horrible to contemplate. From my recollection their nocturnal habits historically involved a hair net and a tube of moustache wax. I hung up.
I called my assistant Toby, who I think was actually in bed at the time. I could hear him tossing his blanket.
“What side of the bed are you laying on,” I asked. Not surprisingly there was a long and tentative pause.
“I alway go straight up the middle,” he said. This introduced a third and exciting option.
I guess you may be wondering where I fall on the mattress with this one. And, it may surprise you when I tell you that Guido sleeps on the right hand side of our bed and I sleep humbly on the left. Though I reckon I do creep over to the other side in the middle of the night.
I’ve got a terrific incentive to do so.