According to the actor Michael Caine the secret to a long and happy marriage is two bathrooms. Unfortunately Guido and I have one and boy is it cramped. I’m honestly not sure how Michael and his wife would cope in it. I reckon they’d be filing for a divorce on the grounds of claustrophobia within a week. There’s a sink and a shower unit and a bath with a spray attachment sticking out the top and that’s about it. The water pressure in the London Bridge area is so extreme that when you turn the spray up it springs into life all on its own. Every morning I’m like Mowgli from The Jungle Book shampooing my hair with a lively python.
But, The Michael Caine Bathroom Problem is nothing compared to what’s suddenly developed around here, and what I‘m now referring to technically as, The Michael Caine Toothbrush Problem.
I have four toothbrushes. I know what you’re thinking. They’re propped up by the window in a mug which has a smiley face on the side of it with the words “keep smiling and drop one.” I have no idea what that means. My brushes are colour coded for ease of reference. Hard, medium, soft, and, a funny round spiky one which gets straight to the root of my problems.
About a week ago Guido dropped his Bugs Bunny shaped toothbrush down the tiny crack where the bath panel almost meets the tiled wall. This gap is what I affectionately call, the black hole of Calcutta. Items near it get mysteriously sucked into a vortex, never to be seen or heard of again. I honestly think if I stuck a telescope up there NASA would probably discover a tenth planet made of old bits of soap, Dead Sea salt granules, and discarded Tom Ford face pack sachets.
Sane people who misplace a toothbrush would go straight to the pharmacy and buy another one. But regular readers of this blog will by now know, Guido is not in any way predictable. Apparently it’s, why buy when you can borrow? around here now. If Guido had bothered to tell me this change to house rules I’d have been liberally spritzing my boxers with his Givenchy. Instead, there I was, squinting in the mirror at my reflection and swilling out Listerine when I got a very nasty shock. I detected an unsightly blob of blue Gel on my pink polka dot Medium bristle brush – AND I HADN’T SQUEEZED IT ON THERE MYSELF. Call me Sherlock. The shock literally made me gasp which is a bit of a problem if you have a mouthful of mouthwash at the time. Oh and if you start to choke alone, here’s a little tip, don’t bother trying to perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre on yourself because it doesn’t seem to work.
I very much doubt that Michael Caine has the time to read this blog. He’s probably far too busy filming a blockbuster or having a long soapy soak in his own tub someplace in Beverly Hills. Nor do I expect that he actually personally suffers from a Michael Caine Toothbrush Problem as his wife will already have a toothbrush in her bathroom. But if he is reading this I want him to know that Super Drug were all out of Bugs Bunny so Guido and his wife will have to make do with Minnie Mouse.
In a relationship there do have to be some compromises you know.